2 weeks 2 days of overwhemling grace

This post has been in my head for about a week now, so I figured it was time to put these jumbled thoughts in to writing. I don't know exactly how to word what I'm thinking or feeling but I'm going to try because years from now or even months, I don't ever want to forget them. 

This is hard. Being a mom, I mean. I have been at it for exactly 2 weeks and 2 days and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I am so thankful that God has chosen me to care for such a gift as Addie, and I believe everything is on purpose. Being a new mom has opened my eyes to the grace of God like I have never seen it before. Here's why.

I see this baby as evidence of God's grace pouring over Eric and myself. Not necessarily because he has so graciously given us a perfect little gift, even though he has. But I see this baby as pure evidence of His love for me in that He is forcing me into His likeness. In the past week, I have cried harder then I have ever cried. I have felt stress in a way that I have never felt. I have experienced exhaustion at a whole new level. I have been consumed in fear that my life will never be the same (which it won't), but that I will be giving up my independence. The tears, the stress, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the fear...God has revealed it to me as a reflection of Him stripping me of my sin of selfishness and pride and forcing me into His likeness. Never would I choose to give up hours and hours of sleep to serve someone else. Never would I choose to forgo "me" time of hanging out with friends and pampering myself for the good of someone else. Never would I choose to feed someone else before I feed myself. Never would I choose to say "no" to plans because it wasn't in the best interest of another person. Never would I choose to clean up after another person all day long. Never would I choose to give up an extra paycheck in order to care for someone else. See, God has graciously allowed for this baby to rock my world. Because he loves me. Because he wants me to become more like him. God knows how selfish I was and still am, and He knows I would have never chosen to die to myself quite like I have had to in the past 2 weeks and 2 days. So He forces it upon us. He forced it upon me, by blessing me with a baby. And I love her so much.

I am so grateful for God's sovereignty and His careful planning. Yes, mommyhood is hard. I feel the weight of my sin everyday as I battle between myself and servanthood. But I am so comforted that He desire to make me, to make us, more like Himself. 

Addie's Birth

She is here. Addie is here. I have a child. But I don't have a car seat. I haven't cleaned my house. I haven't finished my maternity lesson plans. There are still a few things I need to do in the nursery. I have a baby shower today. It's not time. I'm not even full term. Is this really happening? Yes, it's happening. 

Tuesday afternoon (9/4/12) I have my weekly OB appointment. I am 36 weeks, 1 day. Things look good. The have always looked good. No complications. I haven't even thrown up. She is head down, 50% effaced but I am not dilated. Still have three weeks to go.

It's Friday morning (9/7/12). I wake up to really bad cramping. No big deal, I have had it before. I'm three weeks away so my body is prepping for the real thing. Last time, when I started moving, the cramps went away. So I wake up. Get ready for school. Go downstairs. Eat breakfast. Contraction. Ouch. Okay, no big deal. I have had Braxton Hicks since week 19. Braxton Hicks go away, they don't hurt. But I'm three weeks away, so maybe these do hurt. But they will go away. Ten minutes later. Another contraction. Ouch. And then another one, every ten minutes. These aren't going away. I go to the bathroom. Notice something different, not normal. I think maybe I should call the doctor. No, I don't want to overreact. It's my first baby. I just know I'll be a week late and she will be 10 lbs. After debating in my head, I wake Eric up. "Eric, I think I need to call the doctor." He encourages me to do so. I call. Doctor asks me to come into the hospital. It's 6:30 am. Eric gets dressed and we go. I call my school, tell them I have to go to the hospital and depending on what the doctor says I may or may not come in later. We check in to Rex. The nurse comes in first, then doctor. I am dilated 2 cm. Doctor doesn't confirm labor, he tells me take the day off, rest, drink lots of water. Slow down the contractions. I am in denial that I am having this baby, but deep down I know. She is coming. The doctor doesn't say it. But I know. After the doctor leaves, the nurse tells us that based on what I have said, she thinks we will be back later tonight or tomorrow. 

Friday afternoon I take it easy. I make a bow. I watch tv. I am bored. I count my contractions. Still having them. I talk myself into thinking they are going away. Braxton Hicks. Right. I still have 3 weeks to go. That evening the contractions are 7-8 minutes apart. And getting strong. My mom comes into town with my Aunt because I have a baby shower tomorrow. I'm tired of being cooped up in the house. We go to Panera for dinner. I'm still having contractions.  They are a little stronger. Now, I can't talk while they are happening. They are hurting more then this morning. I finish my food. We leave dinner early, I need to get home. I'm so uncomfortable. After dinner, contractions get strong enough we call the doctor again. We go back to Rex. It's around 8:30 pm. We check in. Nurse tells me I'm 2.5 centimeters. The doctor has me walk around the hospital for one hour to see if I progress. Contractions are really strong now. I have to grip the wall, can't talk, can't walk when they come. After an hour, I am checked again. No progression. The doctor tells me I will go home. I want to cry. I tell him I don't know how I can sleep tonight because I am hurting. They shoot pain medicine into me. They say that this should knock me out. They say if it's false labor, the medicine will make it go away. If it's not, I could wake up in raging labor. Awesome. Eric is freaked out. The doctor says to stay at home until the contractions are 3 minutes apart. We get home. I am knocked out. But I wake up again. Throughout the night. Contractions are really strong. I can't talk, can't walk, and now I can't stay quiet. This happens all morning. Eric sleeps straight through it. And I am not quiet. At all. He is a really hard sleeper :)

It's Saturday morning (9/8/12). I wake Eric up, tell him to get ready just in case. I spend the entire morning counting my contractions. They are consistent. Never go away. 7-8 minutes apart. And get stronger. A lot stronger. So painful now. Abby texts me to see if I will make it to the baby shower. I said no. The baby shower still happened. I am at home. Counting. Now the contractions are 5-8 minutes apart. Even more painful. I can't talk, can't walk, am groaning, and now bowled over, gripping the counter top. Poor Eric. There isn't anything he can do. I tell him to make himself busy. Not to just stand there and watch. It will drive him crazy to see me like that. He makes a shelf for the nursery. It looks really good. The contractions progress in pain, not in minutes. I am waiting, hoping, for 3 minutes apart. I don't think I can take it much longer. I finally call the doctor. I tell him I am in a lot of pain. So much pain, but the contractions are 5-8 minutes apart and not 3. He tells me to wait it out at home. He says wait until they are consistently 5 minutes apart. He says I will be doing myself a favor by waiting--Not to come in too early, and that if I want to have it naturally (instead of putting myself at risk for a C-section) I need to labor at home. I say okay. I want to cry. More contractions. More counting. More hoping. I am screaming. I throw up. First time in the whole pregnancy. Another contraction, it's the most painful one yet. So painful, it causes my water to break.  It broke. My water just broke. But the contractions aren't consistently 5 minutes apart. Do I call? The doctor said 5 minutes apart. This is the thinking of a rule-follower, which I am. I decided to break the rule, I mean my water just broke. I yell for Eric and tell him we need to get to the hospital, my water broke. He runs up and down the stairs. Up and down. He can't find his shoes. We get into the car. I am screaming on the way there, in so much pain. He pulls up to the Women's Center at Rex to drop me off. Another contraction. I can't get out of the car, I can't move. Eric waves to the security guard. The guard brings a wheel chair. People in the lobby are staring at me. They think I am about to give birth in the lobby. The security guard asks if I need the doctor to come to the lobby, we say no, we are definitely going to a room. The contraction goes away, we get out, go to the women's center, they send us to the waiting room. Another contraction, I am screaming. Nurses come, check me into a room. Here we go. I ask for an epidural. Now. Right now. My nurse, Juanita (who was amazing), says it will be a little bit before I can get one. I want to cry. She checks me. I am 6 centimeters. It's go time. I have more contractions. I am ready to push. Finally it's time for an epidural. It's amazing. I feel great. I am finally comfortable and so the doctor comes in and just hangs out for awhile. My family comes in, we hang out. The doctor said I experienced most of the labor, that I was probably 10 centimeters by the time I got the epidural. Everyone leaves. It's time for my baby to be born. I push for 45 minutes. Addie is here. 4 lbs 13 oz 18 inches long.

Since she is considered premature, a team of people were in the room when I delivered. They immediately took Addie. Cleaned out the fluid inside her. Checked her to make sure everything was fine. I held her for 5 minutes. Then they took her away. They had to monitor her for at least 1.5 hours to make sure she was stable. They prep me and get me ready to go into my room for the next 48 hours. During this prepping, I am nervous. How is my baby? Where is she? Is everything okay? I want to see her. So bad. When I go to my room, they take me by the nursery to see her. They say she is doing great, and she can come with me. I am so happy. 

After the epidural :)

Eric and Dr. Alvarez (the doctor who delivered Addie) point to Addie in my stomach

Destiny of Holiness

I was greatly convicted through this wise word from Chambers this morning and thought I would share:

"Continually restate to yourself what the purpose of your life is. The destined end of man is not happiness, nor health, but holiness. Nowadays we have far too many affinities, we are dissipated with them; right, good, noble affinities which will yet have their fulfillment, but in the meantime God has to atrophy them. The one thing that matters is whether a man will accept the God who will make him holy. At all costs a man must be rightly related to God.

Do I believe I need to be holy? Do I believe God can come into me and make me holy? If by your preaching you convince me that I am unholy I resent your preaching. The preaching of the gospel awakens an intense resentment because it must reveal that I am unholy; but it also awakens an intense craving. God has one destined end of mankind, holiness. His one aim is the production of saints. God is not an eternal blessing-machine for men; He did not come to save men out of pity: He came to save men because He had created them to be holy. The Atonement means that God can put me back into perfect union with Himself, without a shadow between, through the Death of Jesus Christ.

Never tolerate through sympathy with yourself or with others any practice that is not in keeping with a holy God. Holiness means unsullied walking with the feet, unsullied talking with the tongue, unsullied thinking with the mind- every detail of the life under the scrutiny of God. Holiness is not only what God gives me, but what I manifest that God has given in me." 
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest