Just Because

 As a child, I wanted to be liked by everyone. Obedience was my best friend and rules became a gift to me. Not a gift where you are so excited you can't put it down, but more like a gift you know is necessary so you appreciate it. Kind of like new underwear. Rules told me exactly what I had to do for someone to be proud of me. I didn't necessarily love rules, but they didn't leave me guessing. If I followed them, I knew exactly where I stood with the person who enforced them. 

If I made you proud, then I knew I was loved. It was evident by the pats on the back, the trust I gained, and the affirming words that made my heart glad. I am good, therefore, I am loved. 

Ask my mom and dad. I was very obedient. 

If I made someone upset, it destroyed me. 

If I saw someone sad or left out, it bothered me. 

One Christmas, I had such a difficult time enjoying my gifts because I could not stop thinking about the millions of kids who received nothing. 

One year on my mom's birthday, no one made her a cake, so I poured her a bowl of frosted flakes and pretended it was her cake. 

If I did something wrong, I would tell on myself. 

I said my first cuss word when I was 11, so I confessed to my mom. 

I cheated on my spelling test in second grade, got caught (because I told on myself), and walked away with a heavy heart and my tail between my legs. 

Condemnation made me cry, not spankings. Well, spankings did make me cry, but usually I didn't need a spanking because condemnation alone was enough to turn this girl around. 

Then I grew up and although my rule-following desire wasn't as intense, it was still there. I did stop telling on myself (most of the time), and I tried to brush it off my shoulders if someone wasn't happy with me. Although if I'm honest, most times it still bothered me deep down. 

Rules are good. It's good to obey. It's good to care for others. It's good to have a sensitive heart. But sometimes things that appear relatively good can be used to distort the truth about God. 

This innate desire within me to please and gain love through obedience has bred within me a false belief about God. One that I constantly have to fight, and it started at birth. Desires that are ultimately good on the surface became the thorn in my side. A thorn that deceives me into believing I need to be good for God to love me. 

So here I am. Once again having to learn the same truth over and over again. 

I confess that since living over here I have questioned whether God truly loves me. Of course I know this isn't true, but to feel His love pouring over me is something I have struggled with here. 

And I know why. 

I am more than inadequate over here. I cannot speak the language.  I cannot drive anywhere to help  someone who is in need. I am constantly living in cultural stress which means I spend my energy surviving rather than thriving. I simply cannot Do. 

I am able to do nothing to gain His love. 

So, once again, through my inadequacy He is teaching me about love. 

He loves me because He just does. There is absolutely nothing I do or don't do for Him to love me any more or any less. Even when I'm up to my eyeballs in the dirtiness in my heart, He still loves me just the same. 

This may be one of the hardest Truths for me to fully grasp. Maybe because we humans often love people only when they are good to us, so sometimes without even realizing it I think God is the same. 

To limit God in his ability to love based on whether or not we are good enough, is to completely distort His character and reduce Him to the level of a mere human. 

God is teaching me again, in a different way, that He loves me for no other reason besides grace. He has put me in an environment where I have no abilities to do anything to try and earn His favor, so He can patiently remind me again. 

And I'm here to tell you, whether you follow rules or follow trouble, whether you are an atheist or a Muslim, whether you are gay or straight, politician or prostitute...He loves you. So much so that He wants to know you. He sent His son J-sus to die for you, to wipe away every bad thing that you have ever done, SO that He can know you. He doesn't ask for you to get your life perfect before you come to know Him. Let Him worry about the mess in our lives. Just run to Him. 

There is more love and forgiveness in Him than there is sin in you. 

And He wants you to know that He loves you. Just because. 

15 month update

We no longer have a baby folks...Full-fledged toddler on our hands. I love this little girl so much.

Walking! We have a walker! She has been walking for a couple of months now. It started maybe right around her 13 month birthday. We were at our House Fellowship, she took a few steps, and everyone errupted in cheers. Since then she has practiced everyday, and now it is becoming her primary mode of transportation.

Sleep: We have tried to experiment with a morning nap, but she's just not having it. She won't fall asleep and if she does, well, that means she won't take an afternoon nap. So because her mom values an afternoon nap more than a morning one, we will just stick with sleeping around 12:30-1:00. She usually naps for 2-3 hours. She loves her sleep. She doesn't want to be rocked...when she's ready, she's ready. I give her her baby doll and try to rock her, but she just holds her hands out to her crib. I lay her down, she doesn't fuss, she lays there and goes straight to sleep. She does this for naps and at night. So thankful. 

Eating: It comes and goes. She loves her milk. LOVES. Some days she eats everything, others she eats two bites then is done. I just keep in mind that this is just a phase and am thankful that she loves her milk. Because she drinks so much milk, and therefore doesn't want to eat, we allow her milk after she finishes her meals. Seems to work!

Personality: Shy and hilarious. She has been this way since her personality started to show when she was just a few months old. She is quiet and observant, then when she warms up to her surroundings, she is so friendly and hilarious. She is a girl of many expressions, laughs, and has so much personality. She will play with anyone and let anyone hold her after she has warmed up. She makes me laugh all the time. She is so joyful most of the time then of course, like any one year old, she can be a grump. She has her days where she whines and just wants to snuggle, but I love my snuggles :). She has so much personality it's ridiculous. After she has warmed up, she is miss independent.

Talking: When I change her diaper, I play a game with her where I say, "Say ____," and she'll repeat words. I usually have all her attention when I'm changing her diaper, so it's the best time to play this game. Usually when I say "milk, more, food, or please" she'll sign it instead of say it. I love that she does this. Her two new words this month: Cheese, apple, banana "nana", papa and cracker. 

She loves her nanny

She loves peanut butter on a spoon

Meltdown for no reason

I told our nanny it was Thanksgiving, so she dressed AG accordingly...

Her two favorite things: her baby and her milk

Thanksgiving

Curls and moccasins...Uzbek moccasins