The idea of serving overseas was one I romanticized. One I thought was a noble choice. A choice that revealed the depths of servitude in ones heart, a heart longing for people to know the Go-pel. Therefore, this romantic longing was pursued, and once it came to fruition, I thought my relationship with our Creator would flourish deeper than ever. I dreamed it would grow leaps and bounds into a kind of relationship that many cease to experience, only those who have been stretched by culture shock, language barriers, living in constant uncomforts, and being in a foreign land far from family and friends. I just knew my time spent in the Word would be endless. I would be saturated in Go-spel truths and community in a way that fulfilled the deepest longings of my hearts, all because I chose to sacrifice everything to serve in a foreign place. I wouldn't struggle for time in the Word, because the only reason we are here is to serve in a way that all people from every tribe, nation and tongue would know Him and worship Him. Therefore reading would become as natural as breathing. The thing is, I'm not sure I even realized I romanticized serving overseas, until now. Until these truths hit me in the face...
1. I'm still the same person.
I'm not sure if I thought I would morph into a different human being once we stepped foot into our country, but it didn't happen. I still have anxieties and frustrations, although they may differ from before, they are still there. I'm still just as undisciplined as I was before I came. Instead of choosing to meet friends or busy myself around the house instead of reading the Word, I just do it differently here. I "busy" myself in other ways, sacrificing my time with my Savior. It doesn't change now that I'm in an uncomfortable situation. It's still a choice. A choice we have to make whether we feel like it or not.
2. I'm still a sinner.
The affections for G-d still doesn't infiltrate my heart by my own doing. It didn't back home either. Imagine that. I'm still prone to wander, and only He can allow my heart to love Him. The same things still make me angry and annoyed, and peace and harmony still doesn't fill our home every waking moment. I'm not baking from scratch every single day with my hair in a bun, music blaring through the house, and large smile on my face (although this does happen, not everyday ;)). Our house isn't full of locals every night, gathered around the dinner table sharing B-blical truths and winning souls to J-sus...although I wish this was the case. Reality check: we don't know the language and we've been here for a little over a month. I do get frustrated when I want to communicate something and we can't understand each other...and sometimes I do start speaking in really loud English at them, thinking the louder I get then they will eventually understand. I didn't morph into a better version of myself because we chose a "more noble" path of hardship. In fact, I'm pretty sure this move has revealed the true conditions of my heart, and it isn't a better side. The evil within me has revealed itself in ways to which I was blind beforehand. I am not good. I am not noble. I am still a sinner in need of a Savior to change my heart and bring me to Himself, and this is why we were called here. Not because our resume tells us we are qualified by our works and actions, but simply because we have Good News to share. That's it.
3. Only being in Heaven with J-sus can fulfill our deepest longings.
People are the same everywhere. I know I am. I'm still the same girl, with a sensitive heart, who gets too passionate about certain issues, who struggles with fear of man and spending time in the Word. A girl who can be too hard on her husband, who sometimes struggles to give grace, and who is really selfish with her time. I am the same at home and I am the same here. It is only by the grace of G-d that can change us to be more like Him whether we live in the suburbs of Raleigh or in a third world country. My desire to have my deepest longings of my heart fulfilled are desires that only a perfect Heaven and a perfect J-sus can fulfill. We will have that, one day. But it won't be here or it won't be in Raleigh. We can strive for community that honors Him while we are here on earth, but the expectations of having perfect community will never exist as long as sin is in this world. The community here is amazing, and I believe it is different here. It has to be. We are all each other has, but it isn't perfect. There is a longing in all of hearts for J-sus to come back, and to take His bride to be forever with Him in Glory.
4. Our calling is the same everywhere.
If you are in Chr-st, your calling is the same as mine whether or not you are in a foreign country. Our calling is to love people well, love the Ch-rch, and make disciples...which means sharing the G-spel and helping others grow to be followers. Being at home and working 9-5 jobs doesn't give us an excuse to be exempt from this calling. This is our responsibility that He entrusted to us. This calling is our first priority no matter where life takes us. Being called overseas isn't a more noble choice, it's just a different location in which we have been placed to fulfill our ultimate calling.
I do believe that He wants to place us in uncomfortable situations to help us grow in Him. I do believe that although my romanticism has been shattered (which is good, I need reality checks), I grow in ways that are different here. Not better, but different. I need Him differently and I have to trust him differently. We have such Good News to share but can't because of the language barrier. So, what will this year look like for us when it comes to our ultimate calling? We must trust Him to show us how, a different "how" then ever before.
