This post has been in my head for about a week now, so I figured it was time to put these jumbled thoughts in to writing. I don't know exactly how to word what I'm thinking or feeling but I'm going to try because years from now or even months, I don't ever want to forget them.
This is hard. Being a mom, I mean. I have been at it for exactly 2 weeks and 2 days and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I am so thankful that God has chosen me to care for such a gift as Addie, and I believe everything is on purpose. Being a new mom has opened my eyes to the grace of God like I have never seen it before. Here's why.
I see this baby as evidence of God's grace pouring over Eric and myself. Not necessarily because he has so graciously given us a perfect little gift, even though he has. But I see this baby as pure evidence of His love for me in that He is forcing me into His likeness. In the past week, I have cried harder then I have ever cried. I have felt stress in a way that I have never felt. I have experienced exhaustion at a whole new level. I have been consumed in fear that my life will never be the same (which it won't), but that I will be giving up my independence. The tears, the stress, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the fear...God has revealed it to me as a reflection of Him stripping me of my sin of selfishness and pride and forcing me into His likeness. Never would I choose to give up hours and hours of sleep to serve someone else. Never would I choose to forgo "me" time of hanging out with friends and pampering myself for the good of someone else. Never would I choose to feed someone else before I feed myself. Never would I choose to say "no" to plans because it wasn't in the best interest of another person. Never would I choose to clean up after another person all day long. Never would I choose to give up an extra paycheck in order to care for someone else. See, God has graciously allowed for this baby to rock my world. Because he loves me. Because he wants me to become more like him. God knows how selfish I was and still am, and He knows I would have never chosen to die to myself quite like I have had to in the past 2 weeks and 2 days. So He forces it upon us. He forced it upon me, by blessing me with a baby. And I love her so much.
I am so grateful for God's sovereignty and His careful planning. Yes, mommyhood is hard. I feel the weight of my sin everyday as I battle between myself and servanthood. But I am so comforted that He desire to make me, to make us, more like Himself.
YES. YES. and YES again! :) so true girl and I'm right there with you! Love the sweet pic. You BOTH are beautiful! So thankful to walk this journey with you!
ReplyDeleteAmen Kelly! Thanks for sharing this Truth, it is encouraging to me on a tough day with caring for Adah. It is such a battle within and I so want to be transformed into His likeness but it is tough! So thankful to know I am not alone in this craziness :) I am so excited for you and Addie is just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteSo encouraged by this and our time together last week. Thankful to be a mommy with you!
ReplyDeleteOh, I love this.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's crazy how much is the same whether the new addition is via birth or adoption. God has used every child's arrival into our family to shine a giant spotlight on selfish areas that He needs to clean out to make me more like Him.
Oh, it is hard. Oh, it is worth it.
Thank you for the transparent honesty, truth, and acknowledgement of our gracious Lord. I'm sure in a few weeks we'll feel the EXACT SAME WAY and it brings me encouragement to read your sincere words :)
ReplyDeletepraise the Lord! :) well said. Addie is precious!!!
ReplyDeletewow Kelly, you are teaching me. I'm so blessed that God gave you to me and dad 25 years ago. Thank you for allowing us to see your heart. I love you and thank you and Eric for giving us Addie.
ReplyDeleteKelly I have never been so moved by honesty,love and faith as you have shared here....I know I am not a Mommy and you don't know me.....but the love you and Eric have for each other and Addie Grace is seen here in what you say...your desire to be in God's likeness warms my heart honey....love you each so much..Annette
ReplyDeleteOk I like never read peoples blogs and I happen to come upon yours and I'm glad I have. I have been having a really rough week in the mommy department. I love my girls to death and I'm so thankful for them. God has really been teaching me a lot. Just wanted you to know that it was encouragning for me to read this. I think your honesty is amazing. Not that you want to hear people are struggling but it is nice to know that I'm not the only one out there that has rough days and weeks. Hang in there. As you watch her grow and change it just keeps getting better.
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